Football comedy corner
The referees association has agreed to trail 'thinking caps' which will be worn by top officials during games.
When the caps are worn censors pick up what mood the official in charge is in. Players and fans will be able to see the type of mood by the colour on the top; Pink will show they are in a great frame of mind! Yellow or orange will show they aren't feeling to well while red will show they are angry!
"Players will know by the colour of the cap just what will happen," Scientist Herbert Clause said in a statement and went on, "All testing is going very well with just a couple of things going wrong."
Howard Webb is refusing to wear the new caps claiming "Its a waste of time," or maybe it might show the world how happy he is when he takes charge of a game at Old Trafford.
Mario Balotelli has come up with a unique way to get around Manchester without been hounded by press and fans alike. His teammates think he may have gone over the top but the Italian striker loves it.
His Manager Roberto Mancini was unavailable for comment but is thought to prefer the brunette though!
Ex QPR manager Mark Hughes applied this week for the vacant managers position at Welsh side Llanberis who play in the 3rd division of the Snowdonia National Park league.
Club chairman Dai Llewellyn said in a statement that although Mr Hughes had more experience of the two applicants, he felt that recent results were a major factor in not appointing Mr Hughes. Mr Llewellyn went on to say that they have appointed local farmer Blodwen Jones, who has offered one of his fields for training and will do the job on a part time basis whilst looking after his sheep.
Mr Hughes said he was extremely disappointed but has offered to look after the sheep on match day's.
Chelsea have a new sponsor lined up next year, 'Hearingaidsareus.com' are close to signing a two year deal or however long John Terry's contract is. Many of the Chelsea players found the hearing aids didn't work very well when they didn't hear what the former England Captain said to Anton Ferdinand; but that was last season.
This season the hearing aids appear to be working perfectly as nearly every player heard what Mark Clattenberg said to a couple of the players. The hearing aids are that good that owner Roman Abramovich has also said he heard what the referee said; he was in Russia at the time so they must be powerful!
NASA have also said they heard what happened via an astronaut whose wife was told by a butcher who heard it from a shepherd.
The FA haven't heard any of it and will launch an inquiry; because they can and it's what they do!
Demba Ba and Papiss Cisse are said to urgently want talks with Manager Alan Pardew as they don't want to stay in Newcastle for the month of January!
The Magpies pair will not be going to the African Cup of Nations as their team Senegal failed to qualify which means Pardew should be able to pick the pair for Premiership games.
"January is very cold up here in the North East but myself and Demba are from a hot country. We love the people and the passion for football but people in this town are crazy. It is already very cold and some of them are going round topless... and the men! I think the polo bears will be here in January and I don't want to be. If it goes below zero I can't play, it's in my contract," Papiss Cisse told us from underneath three quilts.
Demba Ba was not available for comment; he preferred to stay inside the clubs training group complex.
"It's a problem we'll sort out and I had a word with Mike Ashley who's told me he'll buy a couple of electric blankets but won't pay the electricity for them," Manager Alan Pardew said.
Roy Hodgson has revealed that he hired a 'one man and his dog' specialist to teach Wayne Rooney how to be a good captain.
The Manchester United man had to cancel a hair appointment so he could be taught how to round up sheep.
Dai Jones and his dog, a ginger terrier called Scholes, taught Rooney how to round up the sheep and even talk to them, the only problem was Dai spoke in Welsh.
"It was a lot of fun and I have to thank Roy! It was a great idea and I even ordered a jumper for the winter," Rooney told us.
"He even tried to buy the dog off me but she isn't for sale. I managed to sell him a randy bitch called Giggs though," Dai said as Scholes watered a tree.
Frank Lampard has pulled out of the England squad claiming he has a bad calf; what he isn't saying is how he got it.
Here at 'A kick in the balls' we are told that Frank was out on a stag do for an old school friend and got injured in a field full of cows!
"I love the way they are calling it a calf injury, I think the poor calf was injured more than Frank!" a man who we will call 'Tankard' said. He giggled like a girl for a few seconds before carrying on, "It was just a bit of harmless fun then when he found out it was a pantomine cow he ran off! To be fair to Frank it was dark and he didn't see the calf as he panicked!"
John Terry and Ashley Cole were missing on Saturday night; that's just a coincidence though.
Brendan Rodgers fires back at Alan Shearer over Joe Allen. The Liverpool boss is so mad he's challenged the former Newcastle striker to an arm wrestling match; while they both sit in jelly.
Shearer is said to be taking the challenge seriously; he's been eating jelly for the last two days and nearly missed Match of the Day due to his bowel movements. Viewers were said to be saddened that he made it on air.
Rodgers in the meantime is doing a little extra training; he's picking up Luis Suarez every time he falls over but he may have to stop as he's getting too fit!
"I could have been another Peter Schmeichel," Mayor Johnson claims.
On a visit to a sewerage plant today London Mayor Boris Johnston caught a fish that jumped out of one of the small ponds. The small crowd of three clapped and he explained he could have been a goalkeeper but instead he opted for Politics.
"I would have I mean I could have given that guy that played for France or was it Norway? You know the big fella that played in goal for Manchester, hold on yes, Liverpool! No it's Manchester United! Not Gary Baliff the other one,"
"Do you mean Peter Schimeichel?" the Mother of the two boys that had since walked off asked.
"Or was it Germany and he played for Arsenal?"
"Peter Schmeichel and he played for Manchester United," she said again.
"I'm sorry I'm trying to think," the London Mayor said.
The woman walked off to collect her kids and the last we heard Boris was still there...............thinking.
Olympics for Dalglish
Sacked Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish is set to return to another of his former clubs as Manager with Blackburn Rovers but there is a catch-he wants them to move to the Olympic Stadium in East London!
Speaking through a translator the former striker said, “With all the luck that was had there, it’s crying out for a football team! I’d like to keep the track round the outside so the subs can warm up around the whole ground,”
It's rumoured Dalglish wants to sign Olympic gold medallist Mo Farrah. We had to wake up Dalglish to either deny or confirm this, “He knows the outlay of the stadium so very well!” he then fell back to sleep.
We caught up with Mo Farrah which isn’t an easy thing in itself. We asked him about the rumours but he was speechless as the picture shows!
Michael Ballack to become a referee!
The former German international wants to give back to the game that gave him so much by becoming an official and hopes to get other former players to join him.
He is trying to talkround Thierry Henry and David Beckham as well as former players Zidane and Brazilian Ronaldo.
In England he wants to talk to Chris Kamara, Iain Dowie, Matt le Tissier and Tony Cottee.
He will insist however on having the number thirteen on the back of his shirt; just as he did as a player with whatever club he played for. He is hoping other ex pros want numbers on their back too.
Kamara is thought to want 007 as he thinks he’s James Bond; Dowie will get number 4 as that’s the average goals he scored per season and months he spent at as a football Manager at his former clubs.
Matt le Tissier and Tony Cottee are set to fight over the number 15 shirt; Cottee wants it as people are always saying that’s how old he looks while the former Southampton man wants it as that’s how many pints of lager he drinks on an average session.